Daddy

Today marks 4 years since daddy passed away. It’s strange how time keeps going on. The day he died I was sure the world would stop. At least it felt that way in my heart. Until you lose a daddy it’s hard to understand how much the pain hits you at times. More often then not now it’s just peace, but sometimes I feel this empty place in my heart that never seems to heal no matter what I do. For whatever reason, I think of daddy the most at church. During hymns. Probably because that was his favorite part of church. At least that’s how I saw it.

I don’t like that memories start fading a little more every year. I wish I had breathed in every moment with Dad. I wish I had sucked in and held onto the feeling every time he held my hand or gave me a hug, or smiled at me, or said he was proud of me. I wish when he had wanted to talk to me I had listened more and assumed I knew a little less. I wish daddy hadn’t ever found out the mistakes I made. I felt like such a disappointment to him. I know he still loved me deeply. I was still his little girl. I wish that he had been around to see me turn my life around, to see me be the best mom I can, see me gain a testimony of Christ, and of myself. It would have been nice to see him and my sister patch up their relationship before he died. It would be nice to see him have a relationship with Aspen. She loved him so dearly when he was alive. I can still see her crawling into his bedroom every morning.

But I do know that he knows my heart now, I know he sees me. I know he loves me. I just still wish he was here. For some reason, even when we have experienced death, and know that it will come for those we love, for some reason it’s still hard to take the time you should and spend time with those people. At least for me it is. I think about it all the time…I should go spend time with mom…what if her day to go comes soon. And yet, at the end of a busy day, I fail to do it. I hope I get better at it this year and get out a little more to visit those I love and care so much for.

Dad, if you were here, I would sing with you, I would walk by your side and hold your hand, I would dance on your feet, I would enjoy a pomegranate with you while watching an old Alfred Hitchcock movie…or maybe My Fair Lady, and watch you smile your endearing half smile. If you were here, I would throw my arms around your neck and tell you how much you have made my life better, how you made me a better person by always giving you advice and then saying “but what do I know, make your own decision.” Dad, I love you so much! I love you more than I could ever express, and I miss you more. Give Grandma a big hug for me!