I hate coming up with titles

I never have any clever catchy titles for my posts...I'll have to work on that in my "spare" time.

I am LOVING my job still. Getting more and more ready to drop my OTHER job completely out. Not that it will happen. I'm just sayin I'm READY to. I get really nervous that I don't know enough to keep up with everyone in the Marketing development at Icon. They have some talented people on the job, but it is so fun to learn all these new things. The tough thing is trying to memorize it all. They cram my head full of information all day, and talk about things that I am probably suppose to know...and usually don't. I just nod along, and when I get home I google it. How much of a idiot am I? ha. Ah well.

Yesterday was FUN! TIRING but fun. I worked from 9 to 6 without a break because we were filming Season 5's biggest loser contestant Bernie. It was my first time on a film set and I got to wear the sound check ear phones and make sure the audio was good through the whole thing. It was so much fun...I was nervous the whole time that I maybe wasn't listening well enough, because I got so caught up in watching Bernie because that guy is so FUN! He had so much energy and was so nice and down to earth. It was so much fun! We took him to the Sports Academy to film him playing ball, just messin around and having fun. He even gave me a hug...ahhh...the only person I've even seen - let alone been hugged by that was on T.V. Very cool moment for me.

Right after I got off work I had to go up to the USU studio and work on a project for my Independant photo class. Watch for photos. Marissa was my sweet model again (She must love me a lot) and we had a lot of fun. Well, I did. Poor Rissa wasn't feeling the greatest, but she looked great and was a trooper. Love her. I got home at 1am. LONG day!

Today Aspen and I took her little friend Audrey and went to play at the Fun Park today. She went the other day with my visiting teacher (my favorite I've ever had!) Nicole, and she wanted to go again...and I was a little jealous she had so much fun and I couldn't be there with her, so I took her myself. She was so fun to watch. So Independant. I can't believe all she does by herself now. We had a good day. Ashton is at army, so we are just chillin together today. LOVE this girl more than anything.

School this semester isn't hard at all, but I'm not really enjoying it. I just want summer to be here. Guess I need a break.

I don't get to post much because I'm never home now, but I'll try to update on Saturdays so my "journal" is at least updated. This next week we have 2 photo shoots to do, so we will be plenty busy at work. But that just means I'm learning and the day goes faster. It's been nice to come home in the evenings and spend some real time with Aspen.

5 year Anniversary!

I wish I had more fun to write and keep up with all that's going on in my life, but it gets pretty crazy here.

Yesterday at Aspens Joy School they had a valentines day party. She loved it! She has made me read the "cards" she got to her over and over again and again. She thinks they are just great. I took a picture of her holding all her valentines goodies, but I will have to post it later.

I officially started my new job today and I LOVE IT!! The guy who I am an assistant for is awesome and we get along great. I got to spend 4 hours today getting paid to hold reflectors, check out prints on the computer, and walk around the building being introduced to people. Oh, and to stand in front of a rack of clothes and see what would be good to use on the models they are doing a shoot for next week. It was so fun! It's very fast paced for the most part, so not a lot of sitting time (Which is great for my backside...to NOT be sitting for once!) I think I will really love this job. Nothing beats doing what you love and getting paid for it!

Tomorrow is our 5 year anniversary. It's gone so fast. Learned lots of lessons. Had the cutest Baby Girl. Lived through a year and a half apart, having a baby alone, Ashton not being able to be there for his baby's birth, lots of fun laughing, lots of shouting, lots of cuddling, lots of arguing. Just like every other marriage. It's been great! Thanks Ashton for all you do for me! And for being a wonderful father to Aspen. Happy Anniversary!

I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wahoooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got the job! I didn't at all think I'd get it, but I did. They said I stood out above all the others they interviewed and they are excited to have me start on with them. It will be a big job, busy, but I will learn a LOT! I get to be on movie sets, photo shoot sets, touch up photos... I'm so excited. I haven't ever really done anything like this. So many changes this year. And it's so fun!

Ok now that I shared my excitement...guilt moment.

I feel guilty that I work everytime I see other mothers blogs who talk about how they sacrifice to be stay at home mom's like they feel they are supposed to be...like the church tells us we should be...like "good moms are". I KNOW that being a stay at home mom is harder than having a job you go to. I definetely know that. And it's not that I don't WANT to be with my little girl. I love her more than life. That's why I feel guilty that I enjoy having a job to do. The thing is...being a stay at home mom...well...with one child, and unable to get pregnant with another child...It depresses me more than anything to be a stay at home mom. As sad as that may be. As much as other moms might judge me. That's how I feel.

I've never had that confirmation that I should be a stay at home mom. Of course, maybe it's because I've always HAD to work...being a stay at home I've always had to run my own business at the same time...and I rarely have time with aspen because my business is so busy I work ALL day. This way, since I have to help bring in money until Ashton finishes school, I can go to work, go to school, then come home and actually spend time with Aspen instead of never being able to get away from my work like I am now. I think it will be better. I think we will find I have more time to spend with Aspen when I'm with her instead of having to work while I attempt spending time with her. But we will see...

Anyway, just unloading my guilty feelings. I'm sure I will always have some guilt. Everytime I read stay at home moms blogs, everytime I hear stay at home moms talk at church, I'm sure there will be many "I'm a horrible mom" moments. But I hope that I can have some "I finally get some real time with my daughter" moments too.

The Long Day is Over

At least I wish it were. It wasn't that it was a bad day, but it wore me completely out. I'm exhausted. Emotionally exhausted.

I had my (yes, please hold your laugh in for the sake of my self esteem...) first job interview!! I know! PATHETIC! Well, let me explain. I've never HAD to look for a job before. I've been doing the same thing since I was 15...but I've been bored with it for YEARS and wanted something different to do. We have to have the income for now, but I wish I could get the income doing something I want to do instead of what I dread doing. (I like the design part of my job...it's dealing with clients I don't like.) So I interviewed today at Icon to be a Photo Assistant. Which I'd love. But I was really nervous during the interview...and forgot most everything I wanted to say of course. It was good practice i guess. I stressed so much afterwards about everything I SHOULD have said...it made my head hurt. I really wanted this job...it was a great opportunity for me, and would have been exactly up the ally of work I want to be doing. Ah well. It was practice at least.

Then if that wasn't enough for my emotions for the day, I had a test in art history today...(a pathetic moment once again...I'll give you a moment to stifle that laugh) It's been over 6 years since I had to take a test...what can I say...art projects are SOOO much more fun then classes you have to take tests in. I studied for 3 days for this test. I memorized everything I needed to, she said it would all be multiple choice, so I was ready for it. But then we get there, sit down for the test, and she announces she decided NOT to have it be multiple choice. We had to memorize bronze age vocabulary and instead of having definitions to choose from, we were to write the definition. Well not hard for SMART people I'm sure, but it stressed me out majorly, because when I memorize things, I usually just pick a few words out of the definition to associate with the word, and when given multiple choice options to choose from I can usually figure it out. I think I did ok, but I spent a LOT of time second guessing myself. I had the answer right the first time on a couple of my questions, but then I changed them on a whim. Ugh. So I know I got some wrong that I at first had right. So there you have it. My crazy emotionally exhausting day.

On a happy note, I finally took some pics of my new hair do! It's been fun to do some changing up. I have always been so scared of change, so I decided to take it head on this year. So as much as I hate photos, here's my photo for all to see. They aren't great because I had to take them myself...but oh well. Love it or hate it...it's me for a while.

Aspen is having fun doing Joy School and dancing. She is one busy girl. She and I have been struggling lately to reach a balance with each other, because she has become SOOOO demanding. Some days I don't know what to do with her. We try a lot of different techniques with her. Time outs. Take away her blankie. Put her in her room. Consequences. It's all just ridiculous. She is usually so sweet, but lately she is being such a little bug and I'm not sure why. She tells me it's because she is a BIG GIRL now and she wants to do things herself. I guess she is partly right. She's almost 4. Can you believe it!? My baby is almost 4. I really can't think about it much. Especially when I try to rock her at night, she is so big now, I can't hold her standing up for long, and I won't lie. I get very teary eyed. I love my little stink. I guess she is just growing up and I have to stop trying to stifle her growing. I'm going to have to work on a new way to communicate with her. Did I mention she lives in pajamas...I really do try to get her dressed, but she hates clothes. As soon as we get home, or as soon as I drop her off at my moms house, the first thing she does is run to her room, strip off her clothes, and put on her footie pajamas. She says they are more comfy and keep her warm. She is so silly and fun sometimes.

In the meantime. I'm going to get a little sleep and wake up refreshed tomorrow.