It's a long post. Don't worry about reading it. It's for venting.
Here's my post finally about how I was feeling the other day. I was having a bad day. Period. I feel tired, not good enough, not smart enough, not quick enough, not fast enough, not creative enough, you name it, I've probably been feeling it.
I usually try not to complain about it, because I know I put it on myself. Or at least in other people's eyes I put it on myself...and I hate to play the "poor pity me" game. so I keep it to myself. But then my family gets it taken out on them, so I will spill it all here (even though hear me out...NOT looking for sympathy...just venting) Here's what my week looks like:
Monday: take aspen to dance lessons, sit in the car and make phone calls for an hour and hope I get them all done for my boss before the hour is up and I have to pick aspen up, and put on my happy face for her, and sound excited and thrilled even though I've just been on the phone for an hour. Come home. Put Aspen in front of the T.V. amidst feeling of severe guilt for not having the time to sit and read her books, or play games with her, or take her outside (heaven knows this child has hardly seen the outdoors all summer poor thing) Get more work done...while more is pilling up. Ignore the dirty house and the fact that Ashton will be home in a couple hours and I still haven't even thought of anything for dinner...which means I'll be asking him to pick something up on his way home, which means I'll feel guilty for spending the money, and for not taking the time to get some dinner made. Be chipper when Ashton gets home so he knows I love him, eat, get aspen ready for bed, and go back to work...usually till midnight or one in the morning so I can get it all done. Did I read Aspen even one book? Probably not. Did she watch t.v. most the day? Probably. Feel guilty as I go to bed that my baby is growing up and I've hardly had the time to be with her and watch her grow.
Tuesday: School from 9am - 10pm. One hour break between classes at noon to one. I have to make business phone calls during this time, so I'm lucky if I grab a bite to eat. All my other classes are 10 min apart the rest of the day so that I don't have to do school every day of the week and only have to find a sitter for Aspen 2 days a week. I get home at 10:30, finish any work needing done that day, and climb into bed exhausted. I have no clue what Aspen even did all day, because she's asleep before I even get home.
Wed: Homework, more business, at least I get in a LITTLE time with Aspen and can maybe get dinner on the table. It's probably Cold Cereal. If we are lucky. More work, then to bed so I can get up for school the next day.
Thurs: repeat of Tuesday. I get to be home by 7:30 instead of 10 though...so I get a couple hours in with Aspen ...though by this time I'm exhausted, and yesterday I laid down to rest and fell asleep at 8...leaving aspen watching t.v. in the living room. Guilt again.
Friday: ah!! Thank goodness for Friday's. I don't have school, and my work load is usually a little less...but I have a LOT of homework to do now. And aspen is laying on the floor by a pile of crayons, because I've promised myself we are doing at least ONE day without T.V.! (well, more like one morning) So instead she lays on the floor by my chair whining about wanting to watch t.v. since I'm finishing up homework and work, and trying to decide if I should shower or not...instead I'm blogging. I'm exhausted. But I did make breakfast this morning. yay for me!
I have no idea what Saturday's will be like yet. Maybe I will get a break. But Ashtons classes are so hard, I don't even see him. He studies non stop. And when he's not studying, he's working. It's a bummer. We miss him. Saturday's he works. Or studies. OR both.
Here's the problem. I know people look at all I do and say "well, she doesn't have to do school", or "she only has one kid (by the way, that comment never helps since we've wanted another child for a long time and that in itself is another post all together...), or "she could let her husband work and stay home..." I've heard them all, but it's not that easy. I feel guilty every time I read the new era or ensign and it says mothers should be in the home. But I prayed about going to school and I felt VERY strongly that it was something I needed to do. When you marry an Army boy, you NEVER know what your future holds, and I feel very strongly that I need to have some kind of education. I'm not smart. It doesn't come naturally to me. I struggle with every school subject I take. And as for ashton being the bread winner. His classes hardly leave him any amount of time to work, he has harder classes then I can imagine taking, and I know he is trying hard to get a good education so he CAN support us someday. Without me working right now, we can't pay all the bills we need to, so we both have to put in any extra amount of time left over to work.
I also want another baby. I've felt strongly that I'm supposed to have another one, and I get depressed and frusterated that we've tried so long to get another one with no success. My baby will be 4 this next year. That's a big age difference to me, and no matter how many times people say to me that it will make it easier to have them far apart, it doesn't make me feel better. But thanks anyway.
My feelings are jumbled and I rarely have time to put them into a structured sentence, so sorry if this was terribly annoying to read. I want to feel upbeat all the time, and I try hard to, but it doesnt' happen very often. I'm sure someday I will learn.
