Happy Halloween

We had a good October. It went much too quickly, we have enjoyed the Fall. I love the fresh, crisp, air. On Saturday we spent the evening at Altius Gymnastics where Aspen got to dress up and play on all the gymnastic fun stuff she could enjoy. She decided this year she wanted to be a BAT. She didn't want to be cute. She wanted to be a SCARY BAT. I love her! She is so funny. We enjoyed a lot of things this month. Pumpkin walk, yummy pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, trick or treating, halloween parties, it's been one fun after the other. With one too many sweets. I hate the coughs and sniffles that come with the candy. But I love seeing her have fun! Tonight she trick or treated with her dad and I, then she went with my Nephew and his wife to more houses. She had a great time. Last year she was a little scared of the much decorated houses, and scary dressed up people, but she wasn't as scared this year. She did great and ran from house to house. Every time I would tell her she was cute, she would correct me and say "you mean SCARY!" What a funny girl. I love her more than life. Sorry the photos suck, phone photos don't do much.

Daddy

Today marks 4 years since daddy passed away. It’s strange how time keeps going on. The day he died I was sure the world would stop. At least it felt that way in my heart. Until you lose a daddy it’s hard to understand how much the pain hits you at times. More often then not now it’s just peace, but sometimes I feel this empty place in my heart that never seems to heal no matter what I do. For whatever reason, I think of daddy the most at church. During hymns. Probably because that was his favorite part of church. At least that’s how I saw it.

I don’t like that memories start fading a little more every year. I wish I had breathed in every moment with Dad. I wish I had sucked in and held onto the feeling every time he held my hand or gave me a hug, or smiled at me, or said he was proud of me. I wish when he had wanted to talk to me I had listened more and assumed I knew a little less. I wish daddy hadn’t ever found out the mistakes I made. I felt like such a disappointment to him. I know he still loved me deeply. I was still his little girl. I wish that he had been around to see me turn my life around, to see me be the best mom I can, see me gain a testimony of Christ, and of myself. It would have been nice to see him and my sister patch up their relationship before he died. It would be nice to see him have a relationship with Aspen. She loved him so dearly when he was alive. I can still see her crawling into his bedroom every morning.

But I do know that he knows my heart now, I know he sees me. I know he loves me. I just still wish he was here. For some reason, even when we have experienced death, and know that it will come for those we love, for some reason it’s still hard to take the time you should and spend time with those people. At least for me it is. I think about it all the time…I should go spend time with mom…what if her day to go comes soon. And yet, at the end of a busy day, I fail to do it. I hope I get better at it this year and get out a little more to visit those I love and care so much for.

Dad, if you were here, I would sing with you, I would walk by your side and hold your hand, I would dance on your feet, I would enjoy a pomegranate with you while watching an old Alfred Hitchcock movie…or maybe My Fair Lady, and watch you smile your endearing half smile. If you were here, I would throw my arms around your neck and tell you how much you have made my life better, how you made me a better person by always giving you advice and then saying “but what do I know, make your own decision.” Dad, I love you so much! I love you more than I could ever express, and I miss you more. Give Grandma a big hug for me!

STOMP

Ashton, Aspen, Grandpa Call and I all went to Stomp tonight at the Ellen Eccles. It was so much fun. I haven't ever seen them before, so it was awesome to see. Mostly I enjoyed watching Aspen. She smiled, clapped, and danced through the whole thing. She loved it! I LOVE LOVE watching her when she gets excited. She looks so pretty, so young, and so untouched by the world. I wish I could wrap her in a bubble and keep her safe from the world and the pains I know she will experience from life, like we all do. I have a video to post of her before the show started so you can see what I see. Problem is I don't know how to post my video, so when I figure it out, I will.