Goodbye 2009 - time never slows for long

Bare with me. I sometimes don't dare post how I really feel on here, but today, I just feel like I should. Maybe it's because I'm ready for an out for 2009...a final goodbye to it if you will. If you are looking for an uplifting post, I don't promise one.

It's often hard for me to express my feelings. I struggle to put into words how I feel without sounding stupid. And I usually don't express my feelings and hard times, because I have no desire to hear others pity or what they think about my life and what I'm going through. And I rarely go into detail about what I'm talking about because I like my privacy I suppose. Or I hate to be judged by others. Either way.

This year nothing fantastic really happened. Thinking back on the year, I can't remember anything glorious happening, or anything super hard happening. It was a relatively easy year, other than the frusterations of not being able to get pregnant for the umpteenth month in a row, and my cousin dieing in a car accident, Aspen growing older every day, and school keeping us incredibly busy, hardly ever seeing my husband, and dealing with a little depression...though you'd never know it because I never talk about it. I usually can overcome depression rather quickly, so I don't stress it.

I hope the last month of this year is NOT a sign of things to come for 2010. Christmas morning was great. I had a fantastic time, and we were very blessed. Christmas night sucked. Among other reasons I won't get into, Aspen was sick, and that always sucks. I really wanted this years Christmas to be/feel special. I crave every year to have a time when Christmas can just FEEL like it's supposed to, and it started out that way- I thought we'd make it happen. I love spending time with family, and I love singing carols, sitting around a lighted Christmas tree, eating yummy food, playing games, enjoying the spirit of Christmas, family. The Season started out right...I got my decorations put up early, and I was excited about the time to spend with family. Maybe my expectations are too high and that's why It didn't turn out how I wanted it to...but regardless, it just wasn't how I had hoped. It's looking so far like New Years Eve is happening pretty much the same. Kinda a bummer. Like I said. I hope it's not a sign of things to come this year.

If I could have my wish for the Season, it would be that we'd just have Peace on Earth. I have been craving peace so much lately it's made my heart ache. I just want everyone to be happy, I want everyone to love each other equally and for there to just be no contention, no drugs, no alcohol...no hate and crime. In many ways I can't wait for the 2nd coming when we will have a thousand years of peace. I can't imagine anything better than that. I understand why my dad struggled so much when he was alive. He never wanted to live long, because he wanted to be somewhere where there was just PEACE. I use to be angry at him when he'd say stuff like that because it sounded to me like he didn't want to be here on Earth with us. Now I understand more and more why he felt that way. It gets to a point where it is just exhausting to not have that peace, and not be able to just feel happy with the way things are.

Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for so much, and the year wasn't bad at all. It wasn't eventful, which isn't always bad, but it wasn't anything special either. If nothing else, I do feel like my personal relationship with God has grown this year. I've been feeling so much closer to him then ever before in my life, and nothing significant brought it on, other than bouts of lonliness. And I guess that's no small thing. I haven't always felt that God knew me that well, or that he took any special interest in me. I only felt like someone who just existed. But I'm thankful for the little knowledge I have that he knows ME.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope that it's a great year for everyone. And I hope we can all reach out and spread a little PEACE ON EARTH and GOOD WILL TO MEN in 2010!

Things that happened in 2009:January: started photo 2 - that was fun!
Aspen let me know that me being PROUD of her was more important to her than me telling her she had done a good job.
February: Aspen grew a love for tinkerbell
I got my first J.O.B since getting married (NOT working from home) doing tutoring at a middle school...only did this for a couple months...too hard to have 2 jobs, be full time student and mommy...
my first time going to the bathroom in a MENS bathroom...ugh
Our 4th Anniversary
grew in leaps and bounds in my photography.
March: Aspen turned 3! and Ashton turned 26!
April: I don't remember anything happening in April...must have been very uneventful
May: My brother had his first child...the cuter than cute CASH RALPH
June: It was kinda a downer month for me...but we did get my moms back yard all done and looking great for her
July:Ashton went to Army for 2 weeks, and then the day after he got home we went to Yellowstone with his family.
August: Aspen started Dance Lessons
Peck Family reunion in Bear Lake - my mom went on a wave runner for her first time. So funny!
September: Started ZUMBA dancing. The BEST outlet I've had in years. I LOVE it
We got family pictures
Started my Holocaust Assignment
October: Sucked. Plain and simple. Found out that not everyone you trust is trustworthy.
Aspen's first year REALLY trick or treating. She LOVED it.
November: Spent a LOT of time with Marissa Reeder who I use to babysit who posed for a project I was working on. It was a ton of fun.
My cousin Hannah Chesley passed away in a car accident.
I dyed my hair dark brown in order to be Audrey Hepburn for a photo shoot. and I LOVE it. I've always wanted to be a burnette.
Decorated for Christmas - first time having it up before the week BEFORE Christmas
December: Christmas. Went ot lots of movies, enjoyed a lot of reading...something I never get time to do.
Aspen got her first REAL haircut - I'm tired of the screaming everytime I try to pull it up out of her face
Aspen realized who "Santa" was and wrote him a letter for Christmas asking for an Butterfly Catcher Net "Bachine". After finally figuring out WHAT in the world that was..."Santa" was able to find it for her, and she was SOOO excited when she opened it.

That's it. That was our year.