Starting New Adventures...they don't always go so well...

So I’ve started taking fertility drugs (Clomid). As of Sunday I was 2 weeks past my period time (excuse the awesome technical wording I don’t use) I had spent the past week throwing up my dinners after they hit my stomach. I was sooo tired. I was getting super excited because I felt pregnant. I knew I was pregnant. I started talking to my stomach like I was pregnant. I’ve been trying for abt 5 years to get pregnant. So to say I was excited would be an understatement. On Friday (Aspens Birthday) We started our adventure to St. George. I threw up my dinners on this trip too. We spent a lot of car time. We spent a lot of standing time at the air show. We had SOOOO much fun. I sat in a hot tub for just a little while Saturday night, trying not to spend too long in there…since Hot tubs aren’t good for pregnant women apparently. Ashton spent time teaching Aspen how to swim! It was sooo cute and we had such a fun time. We went back to our room and showered. I saw a tiny spot of blood and didn’t think much of it. I couldn’t even tell if it was blood. During the night I started cramping. Bad cramping. I started bleeding a little. I slept in the car. I cramped. We got to Purcells and I could barely breath through the pain. I tried to walk up the stairs and had to stop because my cramps were so bad. I still had hope. I had a period when I was pregnant with Aspen. We got home. I did nothing but sit on the couch. I still had hope. My cramps were so bad during the night I couldn’t sleep. Got up in the morning, sat on the toilet, and I felt it slide right out. If you put the long dark clot all together, it was maybe the size of an Apple. I bled quite a bit for the next few hours, then it just kinda quit, now I’m just back to spotting. No more throw up after dinner. No more baby excitement. Just back to square one. Maybe next month will be more productive.

Yes, I wrote that all in short sentences. That’s how I feel right now. Just short sentenced. I’m not depressed (Well, I might have been yesterday, and I might have just slept and watched movies) but today I’m not. Today I’m back to being hopeful. Hopeful that next month is going to be better. It’s better then no pregnancy. But a baby would have been better then no baby.

I will admit, each time I hear someone announce they are pregnant, for a minute jealousy and anger sweeps through me. Then I’m happy for them. Sad for me. But lifes not fun if you keep being sad, so I choose not to. I just keep moving on and doing the best I can. I figure God must have a reason for it.